I’m completely floored; nobody expected Xiaomi to RMA this monitor, but they did. I was completely prepared to repair the damage by myself using the suggestions provided by some very helpful Redditors in my previous post, linked above. Worst case scenario, I would’ve bought a replacement main board myself from Taobao. But the store (Technopop, a subsidiary of Kimstore) and Xiaomi pulled through.
I’m back in Team Ultrawide!